He holds up the cellphone against strained eyes and wipes the display as he rereads the message-
Thought I’d drop a message than pick up a useless fight. You might be busy with your interests or whatsoever, but I am not someone who can play by your musings.
You have been neglecting me for 7 days! I thought you’d finish your work and come back to me. I waited. I sent you loads of messages and emails hoping that you’d respond. But you didn’t. I can’t bear you taking me close only when you feel like it. I’m not your cat.
I hope you understand. Meet me at the canteen today at 10. I’m coming there, and I want my Pepin back.
~ Aine
“Y r pepo ‘o pozesi-” he barely mouths, and shoves the cellphone into the pocket.
MOLESKINE | Tuesday, 2 February 2010
It’s a crazy world out there. People are so busy. They can’t even devote a moment to introspection. One runs his forced race so intently that he forgets what he is running towards. He tries to fit in, and that’s when he starts losing ground. Life takes him on a speedy ride. He seems to merge with the crowd. There remains no ‘me’, but just ‘us’. He becomes one of the brainy but mindless machines. Every one is part of the continuum. He is indistinct. So is his cry. Requiems of solitude ripple the continuum. But those petty voices are lost, and his existence has stopped mattering.
WORLD | Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Pepin descends the spiraling stairs of the hostel. He almost breaks into a trot as he heaves open the main door. He walks quickly but callously to the canteen, a sprawling restaurant of sorts shrouded by the three hostels around it. Aine is sitting at the table on the outer ring of seats. She looks up through her emerald eyes as Pepin slides into the opposite seat,
“Hi”
“Hi”
Pepin flusters at the meeting of their eyes. He picks the menu and begins eyeing it,
“So, wassup?”
Aine’s forehead furrows a bit,
“How do you manage to pull me in so quickly?”
“What?”
“I mean here I was, sitting all by myself, thinking about smashing sense out of you, and suddenly as you come and sit, and stare into me, I forget everything I was supposed to say! How? … Why?! This is unfair!” she almost shouts. Some heads turn. Noticing them she smiles simply, and turns to face Pepin who is looking at her, amused.
“Hehe.. Aine my darling..” He flings a kiss.
“Don’t. Don’t do that. I am angry on you. You idiot! … Why do I love you so much?”
Pepin smiles, “Come here hon, I’ll tell you why.” He laughs.
“No. I am angry on you. Anyway, I want a hamburger with extra cheese.”
Pepin raises an eyebrow, “You’ll become fat.”
Aine imitates him, “Ohh, I won’t be good enough for you then?”
Pepin gives her a wide smile and leaves for the counter.
The emerald eyes tail Pepin, a slight smile sparkling on her face.
He comes back with the two hamburgers with extra cheese.
“You know, Alice asked me to join her on her family trip to Compton. We are gonna go trekking, and paragliding, and what not! I’m so excited.”
“Hmm.. Nice.”, says Pepin spraying sauce inside the burger. “When are you going?”
“Friday morning”
“Hmm..”
“So, wassup in your life?”
“I’m kinda busy nowaday-”
“I know that.” Aine cuts in somewhat irate.
“Please Aine.. There’s a lot of stuff doing the rounds on my mind. There’s this project on quantum computation, another on creating entangled photons, and yet another on creating a gesture lock. And other courses too. My mind is jam-packed!”
“Yeah, I don’t figure in your grand scheme of things.”
“That’s not the case honey. I simply … I dunno what … It’s just too numbing hon. I just want you to be with me. I’m sorry.”
“I’m here baby. I am not going anywhere. But I feel lonely too Pepin. What I am supposed to do then?”
Pepin’s eyes start getting moist, “I’m sorry honey, for not being there for you. I really am. But it’s all too much to process. Can’t we just have some space of our own?”
“Agreed. But you need to be there for me when I am down, right?”
“I … yea … but … hmm.”
“What? Right right?”
“Yes. But … I know … that you are more important than my work … err … I don’t know. Aine, please try to understand.”
“Understand what?!” she blurts looking up from the last bite of the burger, “I just don’t get you. That day you quoted some bullshit from Shaw stating that he’d sacrifice his wife and children and anything, for his art. Don’t tell me that you do think so too.”
“I think he’s right..”
“What?”
“I think what he stated, holds.”
“How can you even-”
“He states that, a true artist would let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, let his mother drudge for his living, sooner than work at anything except his art. That’s alright. That’s the level of involvement it takes to be a great artist. It’s not about greatness though. It’s about his own joy. That’s what gives him peace. Nothing else matters as much. But then I think a true artist shouldn’t indulge in such relationships. But again, he’s so involved in his work that he can’t control the process of making relations. That’s a wrong thing to do according to the societal scheme, and the society might want to punish him. But he wouldn’t care about all that. He’d just do his work, come what may..”
“Shit! Is that your goal or something?” Aine questions with wide eyes.
“No Aine. I do have a healthy sense of altruism I guess. But even I agree that too much of it is bad. And I am facing too much of it. So much interference … It’s difficult to concentrate. It’s difficult to do anything.”
“Okay. So now I am to blame. I disturb you huh?” Aine’s face becomes a sad red.
“Aine please. You don’t disturb me. It’s just me who’s all messed up. I’m trying to untangle myself from this mess. Please be with me … Hon, please?” Pepin says holding Aine’s hand. Tears well up in her eyes.
“Oh hon,” Pepin gets into the chair near her and holds her arm, “Calm down dear, I’m here. It’s ok. I am always by your side.”
“No you are not … No, you are not.” Aine breaks out crying. Pepin hugs her, gives a peck on her cheek.
“You’ll be with me, right?”
“Yes … I’ll be there for you,” says Pepin, his eyes watery, “C’mon let’s go home.”
“We have a home?”, Aine smiles through her wet eyes.
“Yup, we do.”
Hand in hand they walk towards the hostel.
Two hours later, Aine lays sound asleep. Pepin is unable to sleep. Suddenly, he gets to his feet, walks up to the table, picks up the Moleskine and writes –
Happiness and Serenity lie by my side
But I’m incapable of holding them close
Moleskine | Saturday, 6 March 2010
She sat in her meditation box in a cave flanked by the Himalayas for most of the twelve years she spent there. When Tenzin Palmo was asked about what she achieved and thought of her life as a Buddhist nun, she had a lot to say –
“All worldly pursuits have but one unavoidable and inevitable end, which is sorrow: Acquisitions end in dispersion; buildings in destruction; meetings in separation; births in death. Knowing this one should, from the very first, renounce acquisition and heaping up, and building and meeting, and, faithful to the commands of an eminent guru, set about realizing the Truth, which hath no birth or death.”
“I detested marriage. I wanted to be independent. I didn’t want to have my head filled with thoughts of one person.”
“Our mind is so untamed, out of control, constantly creating memories, prejudices, mental commentaries. It’s like a riot act for most people! Anarchy within. We have no way of choosing how to think, and the emotions engulf us. The mind is like a wild horse, they say, that needs to be reined in and trained. Meditation is where you begin to calm the storm, to cease the never-ending chattering of the mind. Once that is achieved you can access the deeper levels of consciousness which exist beyond the surface noise. Along with that comes the gradual dis-identification with our thoughts and emotions. You see their transparent nature and no longer totally believe in them. This creates inner harmony which you can then bring into your everyday life.”
Knowing oneself is a requisite in understanding, and thereby controlling, one’s conduct in the world. Peeking into one’s innards demands solitude. But it’s the world, the society, relationships and wants, versus peace, self-realisation, and focus. Every one won’t like being a monk. Twelve years at a stretch isn’t generally feasible. But every one needs to find their own point of equilibrium, else there’s no escaping the incoming din.
WORLD | Thursday, 11 March 2010
Pepin walks down the silent stairs slowly. A wave of hot noise hits him as he opens the front door. He gets in step with the morning crowd which streams its way to the Academic Area surrounding the hostels. An uproar of blurred chatter crowds him. He starts walking faster, surpassing everyone in his path with apathy. The elegant stride breaks as he enters the Lecture Hall Complex and zooms to the classroom.
“Hey”
“Hey”
“Yo dude!”
“Hi!”
“Heya Pepin”
Pepin smiles back meekly.
“So, what’s up?” asks Takhi.
“Nothing much. Just woke up,” says Pepin as he gets into the seat beside her.
“Seeing you after a long time.”
“Hmm.. I actually don’t like the way he teaches. Or maybe I missed too many classes to able to follow and so..”
“Hmm,” says Takhi as she opens up the notebook.
Pepin smiles, “I need to borrow your notes for the finals.”
“Ohh. Sure.”
“Thanks.”
Dirk comes running into the class and jumps into the seat beside Pepin, “Phew! I thought I was late.”
“You are,” says Takhi motioning towards the clock. Dirk sticks out his tongue at her.
“What’s with you tw– He’s here,” Pepin flaunts a straight face as he looks at the professor. The professor goes straight to the board and writes-
Quiz on Phase Matching and Parametric Conversion.
Wednesday 3/17
9pm LHC 11
“Ohh man! As if we ain’t have no work already,” squeaks Dirk in a low voice.
“Does anyone have a problem with the time?”
“No sir,” choruses the crowd.
“Good. So today let’s continue our discussion. You there, could you summarize what we did so far in the topic?” He points at Pepin.
“I don’t know the exact details, but I guess you have started with Parametric down conversion.”
“I don’t see you in class mister. At this rate I will fail you.”
“Why?” Pepin asks addled, “Why would you fail me for not coming to class?”
“It’s the institute policy. You need to attend eighty percent of the classes. Don’t act as if you don’t know,” says the professor somewhat annoyed.
“That’s nonsense.”
“What?”
“The eighty percent attendance policy is nonsense,” asserts Pepin clenching his fist. The professor looks at him angrily.
“Okay. In that case, you may leave the class.”
“Bu– But I intend to attend the class!” shouts Pepin with wide eyes.
“Get out.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said GET OUT!” screams the professor banging his fist on the table in front of him.
“Okay,” says Pepin as he picks up the bag. Others look on bewildered as he storms out of the class.
He gets out of the LHC. People give way, startled by the force of his walk. He flies to the hostel, runs up the stairs, fumbles with the key as he opens the door, gets into the room, slams the door behind him, throws down the bag and drops onto the bed with a thud. He lets out a sigh and closes his eyes.
He opens them some moments later and gets up briskly. He heads towards the desk seating the laptop.
“Meow”
Pepin stops lifting up the laptop screen.
“Is that you Aine?” He gets up and walks towards the door.
“Meow”
“Ohh Aine. C’mon in” He lets the cat in, closes the door and gets back to the desk. The cat follows him. He picks it up and places it over the desk. It settles quietly. Pepin pets it as he turns on the laptop. He enters the password and a PopSci page about the amplituhedron appears. The screen dims and a box appears:
! Mom’s Birthday !
View Event | Close
“Damn!” He hits Close and takes out the cellphone. Aine smiles back at him through the screen. A faint smile appears on his face as he places the call.
“Happy Birthday mummy!”
“Hmm.. I almost thought that you forgot. Wait, I’ll hand it over to mummy … Hello?”
“Happy Birthday mummy”
“Thank you, thank you. What’s going on? I was waiting for your call since morning.”
“Ya, I got caught in some classwork. Hmm..”
“So, how are your studies progressing?”
“Okayish. Kinda busy nowadays. Lots of assignments and stuff. You say, how’s all there?”
“Everything is fine. Your dad is taking us out for dinner tonight.”
“Hmm.. Partying away.. Nice.”
“Ok then, you take care. I got to go to the clinic.”
“Ok. Bye.”
“Bye”
Pepin puts the phone away as he looks at the laptop screen. A lot of tabs are open on his browser. He clicks through all of them and the pages load up. He sifts through them and deletes all save the PopSci page – he pins it. Then he types ‘g’, presses enter, opens a new tab, types ‘f’, presses enter, and clicks on the previous tab. GMail loads up. He sifts through the mail-
‘WordPress.com News – [New post]..’ Select.
‘Zen Pencils – Animated Video..’ Skip.
‘Wix Team – Is your free mobile site..’ Select.
Delete.
‘Zen Pencils – Animated Video..’ Click. Read … Watch … Delete.
He closes the GMail tab and Facebook appears. He surfs the site –
‘Friend requests [2]’ Click.
‘Cap’n Swan Lee’ Savvy.
‘Cap’n Fiero Pennock’ Be gone, yer scurvy dog!
‘Messages [1]’ Click.
‘Swan Lee: Long time.. How’s you?’
‘Notifications [1]’ Click.
‘Aine Moorad scrawled a new Captain’s Log: “I sat in the wrong class.. Again!..”‘ Sneer.
He closes the browser and sits back in the chair heaving a sigh of relief, eyes closed, hands folded behind his head.
“Meow”
The cat licks its paws. Pepin looks at it … gets up, walks to the bed and lies down staring at the ceiling.
He wakes up quickly, goes to the desk, gets the Moleskine and gets back to the bed. He sits up, opens it randomly, moves to the beginning of the book and flies through the entries –
‘Success vs Failure,’ Flip. Flip.
‘The Crazy World,’ Flip.
‘Problems with the education system,’ Flip. Flip.
‘A Buddhist Nun,’ Flip.
He closes the book, throws it nearby and drops down exhausted. He stays put for some moments and gets up. He picks up the Moleskine, goes to the desk and keeps it on the pile of books. He opens Chrome, and types in ‘Quantum Decoherence’, clicks on the Wikipedia link and scrolls down-
Read … Scroll. Read …
‘The Linblad decohering term is represented as
[the equation]’
He stares at the equation … his face undergoes convulsions. He tilts his head to the right a bit … looks at the cat sleeping peacefully on the desk, and slowly back at the screen with wide eyes. He slowly takes the cursor to the rightmost corner of the screen, tailing it with his eyes, and clicks. He looks at the desktop wallpaper – a boat on a lake – then at the cat, and gently caresses the cat.
‘Knock, knock.’
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Dirk dude!”
Pepin gets up lazily, walks to the door and opens it.
“Hey man, how are you?”
“Fine,” says Pepin.
“You know, after you left the class, the nutcase went on to say that students like you are a blot on the reputation of the institute!”
“Reputation?”
“People dude. People.”
“Hmm..” Pepin sits down on the bed.
“Ditch that. Did you think about the problem?”
“Yeah. I think you are confused between an active and a passive choice,” says Pepin, staring casually at Dirk.
“Huh? Passive choice? Even that is a choice and you are equally responsible.”
“No. Well, consider one in the train again. The lever is towards the right. If the train turns right you live, if it goes left, you die. And now if living and dying is all the same, you being a truly rational being would not be able to make a choice, so you won’t make a choice, and let the situation be as it is.”
“But not choosing to make a choice is a choice in itself.”
“A choice is a conclusion of your reason. As you can’t figure out what to do, you don’t do anything. You just let what was happening happen.”
“But letting yourself live is making a choice!”
“But I am not making any choice!”
“Yes you are!”
“I am not!” shouts Pepin with wide eyes.
“Dude, you don’t understand me.”
“Ditch.”
“What?”
“Just ditch it. I am not in the mood,” says Pepin as he falls back on the bed.
“Well then, I’ll get going. I gotta complete the lab project.”
“Yeah.”
Pepin turns around on the bed as Dirk closes the door.
He falls asleep in seconds..
An hour and half later, Pepin barely flutters his eyes and rubs them. He rests his head on his right arm and sleeps sideways. He sees the cat sleeping besides him.
“Oh Aine,” says Pepin as he pats the cat’s back and rubs his eyes again. He lets out a yawn and slowly sits up. He stays in that position for a minute, his eyes barely open.
With a sudden jolt, he wakes up, his eyes wide open. He gets into his slippers, goes to the washroom and washes his face, comes back and settles in front of the desk. He moves a finger on the touchpad, and the laptop screen comes to life, asking for the password. He logs in, and sits staring at the screen for some moments. He clicks on the Start menu, and then on the desktop; refreshes the desktop, and sits still for a moment with dull eyes. Suddenly he brightens up and clicks through Start -> Documents -> QCI.pdf, and the screen is filled with matrices and circuit representations. He begins reading-
‘… .. CNOT … given by [the equation] … Circuit representation ‘
Scroll down
‘… … Controlled-U operation ‘
Scroll down
Solve exercise …
Scroll down
Solve exercise …
Scroll down
Scroll down
‘.. Figure .. control qubit .. set .. not set, then .. ABC = I is applied ‘
Scroll down
See figure .. Ponder …
Scroll up quickly
‘… … implements the controlled-U operation ‘
Scroll down
See next figure ..
‘Suppose U is .. V^2 = U .. Figure .. ‘
Scroll down
See figure .. Ponder …
Scroll down
See next figure ..
Grunt.
‘Exercise .. Verify .. Toffoli gate ‘
Phew!
Scroll down
Scroll down fast
‘Measurement’
Look at screen for some moments.
Pepin sits back in the chair, bored. He slowly minimizes the pdf, opens the browser, and goes through his GMail-Facebook routine. No mail, nor any notifications. He looks at the pile of books on the desk, and pulls out a small book with a sky blue colour, titled ‘INTO THE WILD’. He takes it up to level with his eyes. The tubelight’s reflection off the glossy cover hides some of the black letters. He looks towards his right, out of the window, then back at the worn-out book. He tosses the book onto the table and gets up, looks around him, at the walls, at the ceiling, then at the laptop, and round again. His brow starts furrowing. The cat is still on the bed, now licking its paws. Pepin stares at it. The cat looks back.
Pepin smiles at the feline eyes,
“I’m getting out Aine.”
MOLESKINE | Tuesday, 1 December 2009
You embark on a grand quest
On a famed tale you rest;
Of David slaying Goliath you rave
You think of his moment brave.
You gain the desired Duccio block
The art of David you talk;
Rat-a-tat-tat you pat
You chant rat-a-tat-tat.
You think of nothing but David
Of sweating for bliss you fervid;
To carve sans pause you hanker
You connect to marble breeding grandeur.
You attain sense of being separated
Sense of freedom you sculpted;
Of gaining social success you steam
You inquire of pursuing your dream.
Work makes man a man
Ain’t that plain a truth;
In master’s stroke a sway
Of happy peace … a solitude.
Michelangelo dedicated his entire life to sculpting, with bursts of painting, and crowned it with architecture. Twenty hours a day he carved David out of the rock. He found all the happiness of his life through his work. In a life of instability, he found the supreme stability through his work. Passion is the word. The element of mental transcendence is a given in passion. A mind opens up and achieves crystal clarity when one works with all his liking and intensity. A sense of the high nullifies all inhibition and one becomes capable of anything.
One should do what he feels like doing through the core of his bones. Then a wave of solitude will breeze over, and would bring him all the peace he needs.
WORLD | Saturday, 13 March 2010
The bus slowly snakes up the mountain near Bund dam. Pepin and Takhi are listening to music, almost drowsy. Suddenly, Pepin looks out of the window, and nudges Takhi,
“Takhi, look out. It’s so awesome!”
She turns towards the window and sees the green valley sprawling into her eye. She smiles,
“It’s beautiful”
They keep looking out of the window as the bus runs through the twists and turns of the colorful landscape.
Minutes later, the bus comes to a halt. Pepin and Takhi step out. They climb up the cementless road.
With sparkling eyes, he smiles. She joins in.
Green mountains, a blue sky, majestic clouds, a towery horizon, hilly landscape, a meandering river, deep waters, a cool breeze.
They stand there for a moment before beginning down the hillock. They reach the banks. Turquoise waters of the reservoir play beneath. She looks at him,
“Let’s go in”
They take off their shoes and get in. Chills run up their bodies as the cold waters kiss their toes. He stops while she keeps moving in.
“Come on”
“Nah. You go in. I feel nice here,” says Pepin.
She strips to a swimsuit, gets in deeper and swims. He sits on a rock, his feet immersed in water. He watches her graceful moves, the landscape beyond, and sits back as Takhi spreads out her arms and legs and sleeps on the waves.
Twenty minutes later, Takhi walks out shivering. Pepin is lost in his thoughts. She comes and sits near him. The sun has come up, and is showering light over the lands through open skies. She nudges him,
“Hey, I forgot my towel in the hurry. Can I use yours?”
“Err.. I forgot it too.”
“Ohh. Hmm.. Well, the sun is up. I guess I’ll dry up soon.”
“Hmm..”
“How about we go up there when you’re dry?” says Pepin pointing towards the hill to the left.
Takhi looks at it and nods, “Okay.”
He gets back into a trance as she wipes water off her skin.
Half an hour later, they’re half way through to the peak, and panting heavily.
“Hahh. Let’s stop for the- Hahh. View,” pants Pepin.
“Huushh.. Yeah.”
“It’s just so mesmerizing,” says Pepin as Takhi passes the water bottle. He finishes the remaining water in a gulp and gets up.
“Let’s go.”
They begin up the precarious route. Bushes, exhaustion, steep slopes and sweat greet them on the way. A steep low-lying section needs to be crossed to reach the top. Pepin gets down, slowly finding a route. Takhi follows. At the bottom flows a stream. He splashes its cold waters over his face, and drinks from the stream. She washes her feet and face, but is reluctant to drink the water. With a smirk, Pepin begins his ascent. Beams of light reflect off the scenery and strike his eye hard as he climbs onto the small flatland.
He walks to the edge and sits down slowly. She climbs up and sits beside him.
“And what was I doing in that confined hole at Stanton … Aine should’ve been here. This is so nice..”
“Hmm..”
“Why do people come to the cities from such places? Sacrifice ‘this’ for money? I’d rather stay in a hut here.”
“It’s so peaceful”
They sit staring at the picturesque piece of earth standing before them.
Fifteen minutes later, they’re still taking in the landscape, when Pepin suddenly takes out his Moleskine and writes-
People seem like a blur – no distinction from the serenity nature provides. When one is at peace, one just follows his heart and all he cares about is love. The vastness of nature doesn’t make one feel small. I guess one feels small when he tries to distance, differentiate himself from nature. Giving in is the key. Being one with nature will make all barriers disappear and one will feel nice bathing in the vastness of his existence as he realizes that he is no different from nature.
Three hours later, they are on a bus on their way back.
“I don’t feel like going back. That was so nice,” says Pepin with a sad face.
“I know. But such is life,” says Takhi as she looks out of the window towards the oncoming city lights.
MOLESKINE | Sunday, 14 March 2010
The world today is so trite and damp. There are no fresh fruits, no fresh air, no complimentary tastes, no intensity except that of noise. Look towards nature – an oasis in a trying desert, a cool stream on a mountainous trek, juicy fruits on a road trip – every single experience is magnified, intensified. One can enjoy fully, feel so open, so lively. No wonder as to why some ones like McCandless and Ruess were desperate to get out into the wild, away from the vortex of civilization.
Why does one come to the city, to the fast paced life? One comes in search of prosperity. But rather than using the place to just trade skills, one makes it his life! Every one, money, society, and thoughts fuse, become entangled, and one loses the sense of self. Then comes the frustration and the mind flood. Says adventurer Alastair Humphreys-
“We need to maintain some semblance of balance and some sense that we are steering the ship of our life. Otherwise we feel overloaded, overreact to minor annoyances and feel like we can never catch up. As far as I’m concerned, one of the best ways is by seeking, and enjoying, solitude.”
It isn’t just about getting away from people. It’s also about getting away from oneself, to analyze one’s viewpoints. The distance provides profound clarity into one’s conditioning. The vastness of nature, of the cosmos, sets a beautiful stage for breaking out of oneself. One usually ascribes certain activities and moments to his happiness and can’t enjoy any other. Melting away into solitude will render him a clean slate in such matters. Only then can one see the whole picture, only then will he be free of his prejudices because even if he may claim that he is perfectly rational in his likes and dislikes, them being a part of his being – a being which holds things dear very close to itself, thus looking through eyes but unable to look at the eyes themselves – he won’t see the complete truth, and therefore won’t make decisions and think thoughts which would be satisfactory even by his own standards.
All effort is about maintaining one’s sense of sanity in the face of insanity.
I read an interesting thought last week –
“This heart of ours gets scared easily. You have to trick it. However big the problem, tell your heart – ‘Aal izz well, pal’. That won’t solve the problem, but you’ll gain the courage to face it.”
Look at it from a logical viewpoint, and the ‘getting away’ is all a delusion. But to a being, a majority of whose thoughts are controlled by emotions, a delusion is what it takes.
WORLD | Sunday, 14 March 2010
Pepin puts down his pen and closes the Moleskine. He gets up from his chair and whistles as he walks towards the balcony. A gust of warm air washes over his face as the sound of the city judders him. But he seems impervious to it all as he gazes at the horizon.
A lone star burns steadily in the hazy twilight sky. He holds the railing as he looks at the busy highway a few clicks away … at the mountain towering majestically behind it … at the pole star … into himself …
And smiles.
They threw me back in time.
Meadows 